Keep Calm and Beauty On

Welcome to my spa!

We offer treatments from around the globe and the mists of time.  Step away from the stress of the real world, and slip into pure tranquility.  After media and popular culture make you feel tired, old, and/or unattractive, bring us the deed to your home, and a shiny new credit card, and we will make you look rested and average.

Here are just a few of the services we offer:

Have a smile like the Sumatran women in the Mentawai tribe.  We will chisel each of your teeth to pointy perfection. This treatment uses no anesthetic and dirty tools, because what’s a little risk of infection and blood loss when beauty is your goal?Feeling a little clodhopper-y?  We offer the authentic 1000-year-old practice of Chinese foot binding.  In a series of slightly uncomfortable treatments, we fold the front half of your feet over and secure them with wet bandages.  After only months of treatment, you will have achieved delicate lotus feet that will fit in tea cups.  *Uncomfortable is a subjective term.  Your pain level may vary.

Are you unhappy with your complexion?  We offer a 15 minute Bangkok face-slapping/pinching treatment that will tighten pores and increase circulation, all for the low, low price of $350.  Don’t risk getting slapped by amateurs, give us a visit.Don’t hang around bee hives for the do-it-yourself version.  Come see us for bee venom therapy.  We offer either a cream infused with venom, or you can use our experienced, professional bees who sting like they know what they’re doing.

Embarrassed by an unsightly mustache?  Take it off the Elizabethan way!  We use a potent mix of quicklime and arsenic.  No hair will ever dare darken your upper lip again. Especially effective when used in conjunction with…Our lead-mercury based foundation.  If you desire cadaver-like pallor or the silvery sheen of an android, this compound is for you.  For the facial flip-side, we also offer the 19th century alternative of ingesting arsenic for the ruddy glow of health.

Trying to keep off the pounds this holiday season?  We offer the no-fail diet successfully employed by opera diva Maria Callas.    Swallow a small handful of tapeworm eggs and buy a belt.  While producing millions of offspring and growing up to twenty feet in length, they will consume your food from the inside.Do you love animals?  We employ more than bees.  For softer, clear skin, we release fifty snails to slither their slimy way over your face.  Or snakes will dance over your body for a massage you’ll never forget.  *Non-venomous snakes can be used for a small additional fee

Once you’re relaxed from the massage, we use the trendy Chinese treatment of releasing toxins and depilating with flaming cloths laid over your body until our professional attendant judges the time is right to put you out.

We offer soaks and baths of beer, chocolate, or caviar.  You can sit in dinner, drinks and dessert.I don’t really own a spa, but all of the above are actual treatments, some of which are from as far back as ancient Egypt, and some can be booked at spas around the world today.

As for my own beauty advice, I have this: eat healthfully, wear sunscreen, work up a sweat a couple times a week, and treat everyone you meet with kindness and respect.

Except for that guy who wants to smack you around for $350.  Him, you can point at and laugh.Thanks for your time.

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